I always choke up when I see another person struggle with emotion. And the performance was real, raw. It was about gender roles, exclusion and inclusion, acceptance and rejection, fear and love, faith and hope. These are emotions and situations we all deal with daily. The story hit home. I watched an entire room full of people weep at the vilification and the ultimate vindication of a young person navigating a complicated and unforgiving community. In that story, a room full of people saw themselves in one way or another. To say the least, it was an emotional and inspiring afternoon that reminded me of the power of art.
Having several hours of driving with positive women living life on their terms didn't hurt either. It reaffirmed all the decisions I've made lately to put myself back on the list of people I care for and tend to. I was exhausted when I got home. Exhausted in the crying-jag, so-much-to-think-about way that actually pushes you over a hump and onto a new level of consciousness. I feel like the old me, the past me, has finally shed the skin of tentative self-doubt. Yes, I have been practicing my motto of meaning over approval for a few years now. It has helped me tremendously to achieve a life of gratitude and focus. And now, now I am ready to embody what my mind has been seeking all this time.
So, as I mentioned, Sunday was a day of travel, conversation and reflection. And I know, I know, that the first day that I don't exercise or follow my eating plan is usually the end of things for me for about two or three weeks. That is how easily I derail. And my one day away from my home meant jobs that I would have done Sunday were all the more urgent on Monday. The pigs and sheep need bedding for these colder nights. The rabbits need a nice cozy bed. The lawn must be mowed one more time before the snow flies (forecast for Wednesday). I need to clean up toys and electric fence and flower pots before winter, remove and clean my screens, wash windows, the list goes on and on. And somewhere on that list is exercise. And a writer's retreat application that needs finishing. Which requires actually working on a story that exists mostly in my mind and has yet to make its way onto paper. So after a wonderful Sunday, Monday is usually the day that I quit.
|Just recycling some old pictures of autumn in this neck o' the woods|
The symbolic "Monday After"...after a day of broken routine I have a heck of a time getting back on the wagon. I normally excuse myself from returning to whatever exercise routine I've established. I'll take today off...I'll get back at it tomorrow...I deserve this break. And before I know it, three weeks will have passed and it is all the harder to get back at it. But not this time.
Yesterday I got most of my list accomplished. I also managed to read more to my 4 year old (also a goal), process tomatoes, work on the application and I did not let myself off the hook with regards to exercise. In fact, I did 30 minutes of cardio plus 15 minutes of elliptical trainer. Then once the kids were in bed I did an additional 15 minutes of elliptical. I followed my eating plan (although I think I'm eating too much; I need to rein in my portions). But this is less about weight loss than it is about discipline and consistency. I will consistently do the things that make me feel good. I will make time in my day to do the things I need for myself. No one can do this for me, and no amount of encouragement is going to help unless I .Do. This. For. Myself.
I have been struggling with my weight and occasional depression since I had kids. There is no shame in admitting that. It doesn't mean I don't love them. I have allowed my hobbies, family, garden and animals to be a shield to hide behind--a line of defense against the hard work I need to do to fulfill my potential. But I can recognize the days where it will be hardest for me to persevere. Thanksgiving is going to be a difficult weekend. There are so many people to see, a party, a huge meal. Company and Husband home for the first time in 5 weeks. But I'm going to work my hardest on the day that I usually quit. I'm writing it here so that I have to face my decision if I stop. I feel better when I exercise so I will make time to exercise no matter how busy the long weekend is. You heard it here first ;)